Dear Jacq,

I went on four dates with this guy and then decided that I didn’t want to go on any more dates with him. He kept calling
me, so I’d say stuff like, “I’m really busy this week” and things I thought were obvious “not interested” signals. When he called
me, I’d always call him back, but not immediately, maybe three days after the fact. It ended up taking about three weeks for
him to get the hint. It’s over now, but I feel bad about the way it ended. How do I let something fizzle out without being mean?

Sincerely,

Donna Callnomore

Dear Donna Callnomore,

The problem with the fizzle-out is that, although it seems like the most gentle way to let someone down, it basically turns into waiting until someone wises up to the fact that you’re not interested. This can mean, then, that you are still controlling someone’s heartstrings three weeks after you’ve already decided that you’re not interested. When the other person finally gets the hint that you don’t want to date anymore, he might feel as if he’s been dumbly strung along.

Another issue is that it’s really hard to kindly let someone know that you don’t want to date him or her without explicitly saying, “I’m not interested in dating you.” The “I’m really busy this week” is true for most college students, and it could be interpreted as “I’m busy this week, so try me next week” – it doesn’t naturally lend itself to the interpretation of “I’m busy this week, so I don’t want to date you ever again.” See? Confusing.

As far as a delayed return call, if you’ve set up a pattern where you always wait and then call back three days later,you’ve given the person a recognizable habit. So in this case, the guy recognizes that you, Donna, are a girl who doesn’t call back right away, but who will always return a call eventually.Plus, you told him you were really busy, so it all kind of makes sense to him.

With all these excuses you’re dishing out, you have to remember that this is a guy who is likes you. If you didn’t give any solid indication on your last date that you weren’t interested, he has no way of knowing that you changed your mind if your decision wasn’t based on a terrible date but rather a realization after the fact. So of course he’s willing to work with your “busy schedule” and delayed phone calls because he wants it to work out. And as far as he knows, so do you.

So what do you do when you want someone to know you’re over it? Forget subtly dropping hints – your idea of an obvious signal might not match with a guy’s idea of one, and it could end up taking weeks for him to get the hint. PAINFUL. Also, in a state of frustration, your gentle hinting could turn mean, and you don’t want the other person to remember you that way.

How do you want to be remembered? As the lovely girl he went on a few dates with and then who kindly and respectfully told him as soon as she wasn’t feeling it, that she wasn’t feeling it. The next time he wants to set up another date, instead of pulling the “I’m busy” line, try something along the lines of “Thank you so much for asking me, and I think you’re a good guy, but I don’t think this is going to work out.” You don’t need to make excuses, just be honest.

On a final note, the degree of explanation varies depending on how involved you were with the person. For a situation where you only went on a handful of dates, however, a simple “not interested” line is enough. As far as breaking-up with a significant other…that’s another column. Is it easy to let someone down? No, it isn’t, no matter how you do it. Normally, however, it’s less painful to get out with the
truth than to drop hints until the person gets it.
Love,
Jacq
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