Dear Jacq,

I have a friend with whom I frequently cuddle who wants to take it to a more romantic level. He’s not my type personality-wise, but I find him very attractive physically and I sure like cuddling with him. Is it unethical to not give that up, and is it damaging to future relationships to cuddle with just friends?

Sincerely,

Conflicted Cuddlebug

Dear Cuddlebug,

Stop touching him – get your hand out of his and your head off his chest. You are breaking rule #5924 of relationship code.

Male and female friendships are plagued by mixed signals. Our ways of communicating are different enough that it is in our best interest to recognize and respect agreed on rules of conduct, or else we’ll drive ourselves nuts. For example, “flirting,” an act that signifies romantic interest in another, can be identified by eyelash batting, clever banter, mirroring body language, and, oh yes, playful touching (hand on arm, gentle arm punch, hand resting on kneecap). Because it can be so hard to verbally communicate how you feel about someone, people tend to substitute the verbal “I like you’s” with hand-holding, arm-around-the-shouldering, and—yes—cuddlebugging.

In essence, by cuddling with your friend, you are sending out the message that you like him romantically, even though that may not be the message that you intend to send. That, unfortunately, makes you that girl: the one who leads guys on by sending the wrong message. This could be interpreted as a selfish move on your part, especially if the guy likes you and you are impartial.

Even if it was mutually agreed that you are just cuddlebugging friends, it’s still unwise because, however innocent it may seem, it’s the friends with benefits mentality, divorced from a meaningful relationship, friend or otherwise.

Besides, it’s not being a good friend to treat this guy like your surrogate boyfriend. For starters, by holding on to him by trapping him in cuddled confusion, you might be keeping him from a meaningful, romantic relationship. Additionally, if word gets round that you two are “cuddle buddies,” you might be unknowingly turning away other guys who are interested in you because they read your physical relationship with this guy as an indication that you’re interested in that person. Or, even if you do end up with someone else, it won’t reflect well on you if you have to explain somewhere down the line that you friendly-cuddle with guys who you find physically attractive while you wait for someone better to enter the picture.

Bottom line? Let him go. It’s a bad idea to cuddle with someone you’re not interested in. Save it for someone you’re romantically interested in so you can cue him in to the fact that you like him. Until then, keep yo’ hands to yo’self.

Love,

Jacq

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