By Jeffrey Romero
For The Observer
On December 8, I attended a talk by Kerry Cronin on dating and student sexuality. Like every time I have heard her speak, Kerry did a great job, and yet some students are always confused (taking, for example, her rules for hooking up, which are supposed to show the absurdity of it all, as something serious), and some disagree. This year the big question was about stealth dating. “But what’s wrong with just hanging out?’’
Kerry did a fine job answering it, but the student still seemed unconvinced. I could tell he wanted to say, “It’s a great way to get to know each other, so I’m not seeing the problem. And it’s cheaper than buying someone coffee.” At the time I wanted to stand up and give a testimonial because I think that I have enough anecdotes to prove what Kerry says true. I wanted to say this, “Look, in my time at BC, I developed a reputation of somewhat dating guru, along the lines of Kerry, except a man. A group of students all started coming to me asking for advice on the ‘other sex’s’ side as well, and Kerry is right. Stealth dating doesn’t work.”
I would continue, “They would come and say to me things like, ‘Her friends showed up and it became a group thing. I just want alone time with her.’ or ‘I don’t even know if she knows I’m interested.’ It’s not all bad, of course. I can think of one success story, but many, many more heartbreaks, like girls sitting on my bathroom floor crying until the wee hours of the morning because they thought they were making it abundantly clear this was not just ‘hanging out,’ while all the guy wanted was just a friend.”
Since Kerry’s talk, the more I think about it, the more stories I could tell. For example, my freshman year I was talking about a TV show one day, and this female from my history class, who also lived in my building, said, “I’ve never seen it. Is it good?” I said, “Come watch the first episode with me.” She did, and she was hooked. From then on, every night I went up to her room and watched an episode or two (or three!) with her and her roommate. I always sat on her bed, and during the winter months when it was a little cold, if I had come in my PJ pants, I actually sat under the covers with her. I thought it was all-innocent enough. She knew we were just friends.
Nothing physical ever happened. We were just hanging out. Her roommate was even present. This girl had even told me that she had a crush on my roommate but that was before we began “hanging out.” After the attempt at dating my roommate failed, her feelings turned to me. One night we watched a few episodes and her roommate went to call someone, my friend said to me, “I don’t know how to say this, but I like you.” It turns out she had thought all the hanging out was a sign of mutual feelings. I didn’t feel the same way, and she was crushed.
There is one way that situations like this could be prevented, and I think it’s time that Boston College seriously consider this possibility for the sake of its students’ emotional lives: parietals like at the University of Notre Dame, enforced in all buildings, with possible privileges granted to seniors, as they prepare to enter the “real world.” I had always been supportive of Boston College’s policy on co-habitation and thought that Notre Dame was over the top, but looking back, this is truly a good idea. Boston College should announce that beginning in 2012, the incoming class will arrive to singlesex dorms for freshmen. In 2013, these students who are used to it will continue to have singlesex dorms, as College Road and Walsh make the changeover. The year after Vandy, 90, and the rest and in this way, no current class (or next year’s who applied before such a policy would be in place) would be subject to a new policy, but all incoming students would be aware of the policy before arriving. This isn’t just about strict Catholic morality. It’s about the emotional lives of students as well.
