If you’re reading this newspaper, congratulations. You’re one step ahead of the Theology Department.

A Chicago meter reader won a $1.5 million lawsuit against the city after police arrested her for ticketing a cop car. BC students quickly attempted to capitalize on the precedent by reporting Steve Montgomerey to the police for standing on his porch.

Michael Reer recently expressed a desire to attend law school at Santa Clara. Haberdashers around Santa Clara immediately stocked up on suspenders, belts, and bow ties.

Computer Science majors were reportedly so dismayed at the promotion of the Information Systems concentration during the Notre Dame game that they refused to leave their computer-filled dorms. This was doubly convenient in that it fit into their regular daily routines.

Michael Reer found a typo on the internal memo, and reprinted all 200 printed copies. The GJP, furious about this waste of paper, printed out 1000 leaflets denouncing Reer’s lack of concern for the environment.

The price of vinyl jumped 300% as hundreds of thousands of students sought to be the only “Thriller” zombie Michael Jackson at the Halloween party.