Q: What’s black, white, and red all over?
A: The Heights balance sheet.

A fifteen year old girl lit a church on fire in Orangevale, California. When asked about her career plans, she said that she wants to be a Jesuit.

New York State Governor David Paterson says that he hasn’t seen any signs of Obama trying to meddle in the upcoming re-election race.

The Pope recently stepped in to address the BC post office situation. Students standing in line for more than 45 minutes will receive time off in purgatory and double time will be credited if the post office workers are singing Summer Lovin from Greece while ignoring pleas to hand over your package.

Hundreds of Catholics were disappointed when their Saturday night was ruined by Koinonia. Apparently adoration without wine just doesn’t cut it for the college Catholic.

ResLife seems awfully awkward on their position on sex. Maybe they should stop trying to dictate it orally.